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What do monks do when they feel sleepy during the day?
How can they stay awake without caffeine? zzzZZZZZZ

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  • Dec 12 Wed 2007 12:41
  • Home

After talking to my high school friends about meeting up,
I suddenly got all excited about going home.
I don't particularly want to go anywhere or eat anything.
As long as I can spend time with my family and friends,
I will be happy and content.

One thing that happened on our way to Mexican came across my mind.
The guy at the information center asked,
" Just to keep record, where are you guys from?"
" Chicago," Steve answered proudly.
" We are all from Ann Arbor," Vince answered.
I figured Vince just wanted to save us some time.
" So, how many of you are from Ann Arbor?" the guy at the info center asked again.
Vince raised his hand, but no body else did.
I almost wanted to laugh.
" Hey, Elise, do you want to claim you are from Ann Arbor,too?" Vince asked.
" Nope."
At the end, we all claimed somewhere else rather than Ann Arbor as "home".

Where is home anyway?
Sometimes people got confused because I refused to call my
apartment in Ann Arbor "home".
" It can be anywhere, wherever my family and friends are."
" Even Africa or North pole?" I forgot who was bored enough to ask this question.
" Sure, even Mars or Saturn." And I was bored enough to reply.
To me, in my heart, home is where family and friends are.
This has been my golden definition, never ever so confident.

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  • Dec 10 Mon 2007 09:35
  • Desire

I was reading a book about desire before bed last night.
So I wrote down things I really desired.

First, I want to have a good sleep every night.
It sounds easy.
But if you think carefully,
how often do we rely on coffee to go through a day?
Or how often do we feel exhausted in the evening?
I feel that to have a good sleep, and to have enough sleep, are the most
important keys to stay happy, patient, and energetic.
So, to sleep as much as I want is on top of my list.

Second, I want to eat to the extent I am satisfied.
It sounds...not so easy. Ha.
People who know me would know what I mean.
Lately I have been thinking,
to satisfy my desire is for myself,
and to stay thin is for...who ?!
As long as I am healthy and happy,
I should feel comfortable doing so!
(Am I Americanized?!)

Third, I want to exercise as much as I want.
To achieve this goal, the first two desires must be met.
I would like to exercise 40-60 mins every day. It makes me happy.
But it is just a dream goal.

Forth, I want to have good chats a few times a week.
This goal seems easier than the previous three
cause it can be independent from the previous three.
However, this is the only goal that I can not achieve by myself.
This limitation makes it the most difficult desire to satisfy.

After writing down my desires, I felt like a low-leveled animal.
Eat, sleep, exercise...aren't these desires my golden retriever,
or even fruit flies, or even C.Elegance would have?
I just feel that in order to achieve long-term happiness,
these are the things that really matter.

And now, here comes why I had the motivation to write this blog.
haha, of course it's because my desires are not satisfied.
I did not sleep well because of all those final reports I had to grade.
I ate unconsciously because I was troubled and stressed.
I did not chat with any body..
I wanted to exercise but could not because of the bad weather and all those deadlines
Plus, I can not imagine how much life will be like hell
because of all the work i have to finish before home :(

Why would people want cars, houses, or anything else,
while the basic desires are so difficult to meet already :(

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  • Dec 07 Fri 2007 09:10
  • 5'F

People in my lab were talking about how terrible it was to walk in 5'F this morning.
To be honest, I knew it was cold and my legs were numb, but I did not expect it to be
that cold. You may wonder where I was this morning. Hm, I was walking around hunting
for Christmas gifts. So, if you receive anything, even if it is just a bite of
chocolate, please remember the gift comes from a warm heart in a 5'F morning!

Every day, I look around and think, " Wow, this is what we could only see in a movie.
And now I am here experiencing it. Although I hate it now, I am pretty sure I will
miss it in the future!" Just like lots of the "joyful tragedies" in the past, they
were never pleasant at the moment they happened, but all turned out to be
unforgettably joyful when looking back. Having this thought in mind makes me
feel excited, like a tourist, about the freezing cold weather.

5'F! How special! Ewwwwwwwww....

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Are you thinking that I may never finish my lengthy sunny San Diego trip series? Ha, to be honest, I had the same doubts.
But right now, at this moment, when there is a timer that beeps every 5-15 minutes, this seems to be the best thing to do.

On day X (this is what happens when you do not keep a diary when the memory is still fresh. I can no longer keep track
of what day that was), we went to Coronado island. Coronado island is a cute little town with lots of unique shops and restaurants.
Best of all, it is built along the beach! I was quite excited before going, "Oh, beach, this is so sunny California! " I felt excited
because finally I had the chance to see what San Diego was known for- beautiful beaches. Also, after living in Ann Arbor for
2+ years, I missed big blue ocean, the salty-smelled wind, and long shores!

We went to a restaurant that we could have lunch on the beach. The food was about standard, but every thing else was excellent!
Finally I was embraced by sea wind, beaches, and ocean again! I could not describe how much had suddenly jumped into
my mind, summer camps, vacations with family, trips with friends, and all those sweet memories. It was time like this that
I deeply realized what it meant to be "from Taiwan, and to grow up in Taiwan", and of course, how special that was :)

After lunch, we had a short walk on the beach. I would say that was the highlight of my San Diego trip. Nice weather,
beautiful beaches, interesting chats, relaxing atmosphere, what could one ask for more? Also, I learned a few things on the
beach. First, seagulls had an orange dot on their beaks. But why do they have the orange dots? Was it to cheat predators
high above? Like the dots could serve as targets for eagles (but are eagles so stupid?) No matter what, tt was quite interesting
to see lots of orange dots spread out on the beach. Oh, and seashells! Lots of them! The second thing I learned was that we
should respect people although we did not respect they way they lived. The third thing I learned was that there were
different ways to motivate people. It was interesting to know those specific ways and how they might work on people from different

So, this was my Sunny San Diego part 6. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I made different decisions at
different points of my life. But I have learned not to look back. Also, it's really hard to explain why or describe how
the longer you leave home, the more you appreciate it, the richness it has brought you, and the uniqueness it has built
inside you.

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It was surreal.
One minute ago, she was there.
One minute later, she was not.

I knew she would understand that I was not there.
But I could not understand why I was not there.
I could have been there. I wished I had been.
So I could sit beside her once more,
simply that,
I just wanted to sit beside her once more.

The boys next door told me the volume of the radio
went all the way up that
they had to turn it down for me.
Was that her? Was she there one minute ago?
How about one minute later?
It was so surreal.

I wanted to blame God for not allowing more time.
Not even three weeks? so I could be there?
Almost like bargain, I wanted to yell at the stingy stupid God with no heart.
But then I realized it was just my selfish thought.
The sooner it ended, the faster the pain would be gone.
I wanted it to be longer, just so I, ME, would feel better, not her.

The next morning,
I said good bye on the phone.
It was so surreal.
One minute ago, she was there.
One minute later, she was not,
the woman who defined the word "genuine" in my world.

The world kept spinning.
Thanksgiving was time for turkey and family.
And I just wanted to sit beside her once more,
even if that was my selfish thought.

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After thanksgiving (hopefully I will write about it some time later :) ), my head and stomach are both super heavy.
While cheering for my white blood cells, antibodies, and all that (mysteriously missing all my immunology classes in college
surely was a big mistake) to beat whatever that is attacking my head and stomach, I decided now should be time for
more blogging, not experiments.

On Tuesday, we went to Tijuana, Mexico. I always prefer seeing real life over artificial sceneries. So, despite all the
bad things I heard about Tijuana, I still decided to go with a bunch of Michigan grad students. I felt that was probably my
only chance in this life to visit Tijuana. Besides, how bad could that be? The worst would be to be kept in Mexico for a few
more hours, or days, or to be robbed. "Hey, is Tijuana really that dangerous?" I asked my lab mate while waiting for the trolley
to Mexico. You know the floating feeling and adrenaline rush when being at the top of a roller coaster, right? You have been
ready for the whole time, but when the moment really comes, you feel like a tiny little ant being on top of a boiling pot, anxious
and wanting to call it a stop. "That's why XXX (one guy in our lab) is not going." my lab mate answered. " I thought it was
because his wife did not want him to go." I asked. "Yes, and to explain to YYY (my boss) that the whole lab is murdered in Mexico."
Knowing that was my lab mate's bad joke, I made a face, and felt his answer gripped my stomach. There was no way I would withdraw
anyway. The pretty blond in suit and high heals was going, why couldn't I? So, there I went, jumped on trolley, headed south to
the mysterious city where the documentary I watched about serial women killing happened.

As the train got closer and closer to Mexico, there were more and more Latinos on the train. The houses outside started
to get older and older. Some of them looked barely inhabited. A lot of the land was so dry, barren, and covered only by sand.
I watched the old on the train in worn out clothes, obese woman with young kids eating chips with dirty hands, and lots of
high school teens laughing and talking in Spanish. I felt strangely isolated and remote, just like a detective examining every
thing with magnificent lens. But every thing and every body were "objects" in a detective's eyes. They are for observation without

What was Tijuana like? I would say it was the Spanish version of Wan-Hua. There were lots of little shops along the two
sides of the roads, not in the homey hearty American way, but in the disorganized messy smelly night market way. Neons flashing,
store owners sitting on little chairs looking out from the stores, streets filling with the smell of street snacks mixed and car
gases, Tijuana was probably like Taiwan in the 50s or 60s. The fear of the environment, which I had not experienced for a long
time, started to arise in my body as the night came. The city was more awake, lively, and indescribably elusive to me than ever.
For the first time in a long time, I was afraid to be left one step behind of the group. I wouldn't say it was because of any
danger or risk, but more like the unpredictable street scenes and the unsettled atmosphere from an exotic culture. I was truely
happy there are a few big guys in our group. Hiding among them, I greedily absorb every item, every sound, and every smell
in Tijuana. What would it be like if I were a resident there? What would it be like if I were asked to stick around tourists to
ask for changes as little kids? I imagined the feeling of receiving quarters from Americans' hands. Were they Happy? Were they
worried? Why did I have the luck to be born in a financially stable family? What could be done to help people who struggled
so much to live? Maybe the way we thought we could help was just to impose our values on them? What if what they needed was not
what we thought to be good? Life was just so unfair. And it was just so difficult to find a balanced way to help. I mean,
to understand the fact, but not to be tricked by perception; to show support, but not to be over objective. It was time like this
that made me feel my life was so ridiculous sometimes.

Tijuana, Taipei, San Diego, Ann Arbor, and a puzzled Jao. That was the end of my mexico trip.

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On Monday, we went to a "beach party" that neither had camp fire nor was not on the beach. Several students rent a beach house near the beach. I had nothing else to do so went to the beach party. The weather was too chilly for us to actually do anything on the beach. People started to talk about crazy stories and funny things that happened in East Hall, where our department is located. I have to say American students, even graduate students that are considered more mature than undergrads, are genreally more like to do things that are funny, crazy, and sarcastic. For example, at one time, people complained about guys not being considerate when using the bathroom shared by both genders. A public email was sent to the whole department about how guys should "aim better" or at least whipe off pee drops after using the bathroom. One day after the email, a lot of stickers in the shape of dart tartgets appeared in the bathroom. Some were on the toilet, some were on the wall, some were on the ceiling, basically every where. It amuzed all students but drove one female faculty crazy. Faculty even considered shut down that only bathroom in the biopsych. area. I truely enjoyed this kind of silly jokes. Although we can not go on vacation all the time, we can always have fun in daily life. I guess that is why I do things that do not make sense, like drawing on my notes or writing meaningless articles. I just want to have some fun every day, do something out of order, and then I will feel I am alive. That night ended with a little frustration though. I could not stay longer to chat with my old lab mate I had not seen in a while. It was not the fact that I had to leave early that made me upset, but the fact that how I thought or felt was not considered. But I guess this is just the real world. For some people, they know what they want, and they have their own rules, very solid and unnegotiable.

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I did not feel well because having eating too much before bed last night. While standing in the shower idling, my
cell phone rang like crazy. I usually ignored my cell phone in a situation like this. But I thought it could be
my grand mom that happened to be in the mood of talking to me. So I struggled out of my shower, and ran to my phone.
That was my project partner, who was supposed to go in to finish the early morning task. "More accident?" I thought,
"No accident would be an accident in my life." So, I picked up my lonely phone being punished to stay on the
floor because of waking me up in the morning. My partner told me she was extremely sick that she could not make it
to the lab. "Oh...don't worry... ( jao thinking about grabbing a towel)... I am about to go to the lab now ( jao
speaking with a crappy monring voice)..." My partner kept apologizing on the phone. " Oh, that's ok... it is very
bad that... ( jao trying to think of some words to stop her worries but in vain)..I mean it is not good.... (
1000 tangles in jao's brain...while trying to say it is not fun feeling sick, she actually made it sound like it
is "bad" feeling sick)... oh, I can test them today. Take.....oh..a good rest...." Finally, I "successfully"
communicating with my lab mate.

After hanging up the phone, I felt wanting to run a marathon. "Maybe if I can finish a marathon, I will become a better
person." I was not sure where the thought was from, maybe because of Katie Holmes' marathon report in some gossip magazine.
What a bad beginning of the day. I felt terrible. It was not because I had to come in to do extra work, but because I wanted
to be a good person, to myself and to others, but failed. My body did not feel right. And I think my project partner,
who I really like to work with, might have felt offended.

I am determined to make today a good day. Although the beginning is terrible, it has to be good. Nov.14th has all
the right to be better than any other day, because it's my mom's birthday. Happy birthday, mom. Today has to be good.
And I will make it good.

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I am getting lazier and lazier. I must be getting old. Seven hours' sleep is never enough for me. But I think this is the best proof that I am my parents' biological daughter. None of my family sleeps less than 8 hours a day. I feel lazy every evening. I am starting to feel that I will never be able to finish this series of articles about san diego. Is this some kind of rat syndrome? Too much rat interaction?

On Sunday, we had lab dinner in a nice Mexican restaurant. After that, we went to some party I had no idea with in Hyatt lounge.

The mexican restaurant was nice. The food was ok. I had some chicken dish that was too dry. But being a fan a cheese, as long as there was a lot of cheese, I had no complain. Although the food was so so, the Margarita was great. I never liked the sharp bitter taste of Tequila, not even when it was mixed with juice. But I really liked Margarita there. Not too sweet, not bitter, not sharp, perfect. But for some reason I kept dropping things into my drinks that night. I first dropped my chicken in my Margarita, and later dropped cheese in my water. My boss was extremely entertained by my incapability of keeping my food in my plate. While feeling a bit embarrassed, I thought to myself, "maybe I am using up all my bad luck for this trip (which was proved to be totally wrong in the next few days!! >< )" Other than food, I had a good time. Every one was a lot more relaxed, talked, and joked. I wondered if I would become good friends with some of them, more than just co-workers, if we spent more time out of lab together. But that was just a thought. I knew we would always , and only, be coworkers.

After dinner, we went to Hyatt for some event I had no idea with. The lounge was on the 40th(?) floor and had a nice view of downtown San Diego. The view was so much like what we could see from Zoology department in NTU that for a moment I thought I was in Taipei. Ever since I moved to Ann Arbor, such night scene had disappeared from my daily life. I used to like and be scared of the night scenes . The colorful lights were so pretty and distinguished in the dark, but also so lonely and lost. While every street, every store, and every tall building went quiet, I could only hear myself. No other distraction, just me. It was the inescapable fact of living my own life in this world that made me hard to breathe. Alghouth I was surrounded by lots of people in the loundge, the exact same feeling suddenly occupied my whole body. And then I was asked again about why I changed labs.

The above was my Sunday in San Diego. (oh, did I forget to mention
how comfortable it was to talk on the street even at night? :~~)

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On Friday, I visited UCSD and Old Town. UCSD is very "Californian" to me. The first thing that amazed me was to hear students speaking with californian accent. It was almost like they had too much sunshine that all vowels were baked jumpy and curly, and they just could not help adding "like" to every sentence they spoke. Without heavy clothes and red noses, lots of students were skating around making loud noises. Oh, and there were so many asian students, and asian restaurants on campus. The only thing I did not understand was why all buildings were built gray. They reminded me so much of buildings donated by "tru-zi" (the buddhist organization). I have to say buildings in Ann Arbor are more beautiful. Well, maybe people in cali do not care about pretty houses. They can always WALK to the beach ANY TIME they want anyway (Yes, I am jealous!). Old town is just an area with old houses ("old" in an American sense). It was quite fun to see those buildings that we no longer see today. Also, I was again delighted by the mexican atmosphere in the area, not that I liked Mexican culture in particular, but it made me feel " cool, I am on vacation!" We ended up going to a randomly-picked Mexican bar. There I had very tasty Quesadillas ,
fried ice cream (yummy!), and some booze that I do not remember the name. I was happy and satisfied.

On Saturday, I spent most time in Downtown. Originally, we planned to meet with Dr.Yen, my old boss from Taiwan. But because of some accident, we ended up facing the situation of going back to hotel to rest, or roaming around in downtown ourselves. We (or maybe it was me?) decided to walk around, for it seemed lame to watch TV in hotel. Downtown was crowded on Saturday night. There were a lot of bars and night clubs, lots of young people hanging out, and lots of neuroscience people who were obviously bored just like us. Food and alcohol were about the same price as those in Ann Arbor, which was quite surprising to me. The highlight of that night was a huge glass of Chirardelli ice cream. Just like having treats when dining out with my parents in my childhood, the ice cream made me all happy and satisfied.

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The title 'sunny San Diego trip' describes better about how I felt rather than the fact. Although the weather was actually cloudy when we were in San Diego, the pleasure of going from 25'F to upper 50s still made me feel so light-hearted and free. "Sunny california, here I come!" I whispered to myself. Well, I could not really see sunshine, but I could feel it living in my heart.

Since the trip was in name of neuroscience, I think I should start this article by talking about the Neuroscience conference ( oh, are you about to skip this paragraph? ha! I got you! But I promise this will be the least nerdy scientific paragraph you have ever read!) To me, the most amazing parts about the society for neuroscience (sfn) were networking and people watching. I actually felt that the main purpose of the conference was to provide an environment for people to meet old friends, to have non-rat/non-monkey/non-machine interaction, and of course to watch big names you always read about in papers. For example, even me, some quiet, non-alcoholic, social phobic grad. student went to several social events. At first, it just seemed strange not to do so. You would not want to stay in hotel after flying all the way from Ann Arbor to San Diego. It turned out that I actually had a not-so-bad time talking to people and hanging out with people I work with. Of course it was not fantastic in terms of depth, but it was simply good to get out of daily routine with screaming rodents and have some interaction with primates that talk back. Another interesting thing at the conference was "star watching". All those big names we always read about suddenly became so real and substantial. I even had dinner in the same Mexican restaurant with some Nobel prize winner, and as usual, heard some gossip about him. I actually wondered if Conventional Center in SD was the spot that had the highest density of Nobel prize winners in the past few days! ( I saw two...just by walking around)

Other than the conventional center where sfn was held, I also visited UCSD, Old Town, Tijuana in Mexico, and Conorado Island in SD.

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Sometimes it is difficult to be human. To be more precise, I find it
harder and harder to "stay as human".

Of course people have different reasons to forget we are humans with
feelings and thoughts. Sometimes it is money, or sometimes it is power.
To me, it is my work. It is so interesting and rewarding that I can't
resist spending more and more time on it. I still go to parties. I still
go to the gym. And I still chat with people. But those are "passively"
given to me, just like tasks assigned to a robot. I no longer actively
think and feel the world. Well, maybe I still do, but not as much as I want.

Two things happened lately that made me think about "staying as human".

The first thing I am going to skip for now because if I do not do laundry
tonight (11 pm already), I pretty much will have to go to San Diego naked.
The second thing is my chat with a college friend. He showed me some stupid funny
pictures of my dear old friends. Under one picture, he wrote "一群人吃完東西在門
口亂聊天大學生活就是這樣青春的很放肆 (a group of people standing nowhere chatting about
nothing after a meal. College life is just so crazy and young.)" Suddenly I
miss my college friends so so so much. I feel that I am missing out a lot. I
can no longer join their meetings, play stupid card games with them (*), or
even have funny chats. I do not even know what they are up to. How long have
I not laughed until my stomach hurts? Not only that, how long have I not
felt emotions, the powerful energy and extravagant happiness.

Ok, I meant to say a lot about my thoughts about staying as a human....but
but but... i have to do laundry..and i hate doing laundry :(

*by the way, hey, folks,if you are reading this, I just want to say I played
the American version of "king-queen- secretary- servant..the ranking may be
wrong, but just that poker game we played last time. The American version is
different but similar. Ha, I just want to say that reminded me so much of
how hard Tuna tried to wake every one up just to play the game, and how much
dried Tofu we had, and how silly we tried to create a dark- night environment
the next day to play the game. I loved that! See you all soon?!

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I hate decision making. This is a quote from David again. And this applies perfectly to me and my current situation.

I am in the middle of deciding if I should leave Ann Arbor on Dec.16 or Dec. 18 (return date is the same, Jan.2). For some reason, two weeks is like a threshhold to me. I feel that if I leave for two weeks, I am still a good graduate student. But if I leave for 16 days, I will feel like a slacker. You may want to say something like " oh, you can work harder when you are in Ann Arbor." , or "oh, you can work a bit when you are in Taipei." Based on my experience, it's very unlikely for any of the above to happen.

If I am so worried, why not just buy the ticket the leaves on the 18th? While worrying about being a slacker (which I already am anyway. And I go back twice a year!), I am also worried that things back home will be different the next time I go back. What if the next time I go back, I won't be able to talk to my grand parents any more? What if the next time I go back, my dog doesn't run any more? What if the next time I go back, my friends are assigned to different places and are unable to meet?

Every one wants to be remembered and cared for. But to me, an even bigger issue is to lose what I remember and care for. I accept the facts that my nephews and nieces will grow up not having much memory about this "auntie who studies in the US". And I do not mind being "one of the many friends" to my only best friends. I sometimes picture myself sitting on the couch when being very old, looking at all the pictures of things/people I love when being young. Yes, I will feel a bit sad and lonely that no body knows me or cares about me any more. But what's really going to upset me is the fact that things I remember no longer exist, and I no longer have any body/anything to care for.

Life is full of uncertainty. Things come and go. Yes, I accept both. But before that, I want to try my best to get the best out of it. And then I will have no regret.

So, where were we? What's all this about? WELL, being an over-analyzer, I can not stop analyzing why it is so difficult to decide which ticket to get. So, which ticket should I get after all ??!!

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"Just do it" is a nicer way to express what I think. "Fuck it" is the real term I use when talking to myself. Originally I liked the way David said it, so proudly careless about the results, as if nothing could hurt him even if it was the end of the world. Now this has become some sort of invisible power to me when I have to make a decision.

"Fuck it. I will just do it." I tell myself.

I am never a perfectionist. I almost always take whatever the results are, and happily live in an imperfect world. In fact, my life is full of mistakes and accidents. Being messy and imperfect is more like the norm to me.

However, I am an "over-analyzer", if such word ever exists. I tend to understand things by subconsciously, or even consciously, analyzing every associated components. Almost like doing experiments, things only make sense to me if every component can be logically explained and understood. For example, there must be "something" that makes one person more popular than the other. And there must be "some reasons" for two people to get along or to hate each other. Almost like having obsessive compulsive disorder, I am curious to know/have to know that "something" and "some reasons"to make a decision or to draw a conclusion. Is this bad? Not always. But when it's time to make quick decisions, over-analyzing stops me from moving forward. And time waits for no tides. Often times, if the moment passes, it's gone for good.

"Fuck it. I'll just do it." I tell myself. I should allow my higher-leveled cortical areas to take a break sometimes, and embrace the superficial meaninglessness of trivial insignificance.

So, I had a cup of coffee with some middle-aged guy I met when buying apples. The pleasure of having a conversation should be simple. Fxxk his intention. To me, being curious about others' stories is good enough a motivation. And all I have to do is to sit down and chat. So I did.

So I went to a lab mate's birthday celebration in a bar after being hesitated for 20 minutes. The joy of being surrounded by humans (finally not rodents) should be easy. Who cares about what others may think about my lack of American sense of humor. What's so big deal if I am slow on responding to stupid small jokes? All I have to do is to walk in and be who I am. So I did.

Deadlines? As long as I get them done, they should be kicked out of my priority list temporarily. Enough analyzing. Enough scheduling. Enough structures. Sometimes I just want to be a human being. Believe it or not, it can be difficult. It requires the "fxxk it" courage to melt down rules, concerns, and ambitious plans. Not until then can my life and me be forgiven and given the chance not to dance on notes.

Although we all are carrying more and more responsibilities, we should never be overwhelmed by the growing heaviness of life. To me, "fxxk it" is the strength that pulls me away from routines and constraints, so I can remember how simple satisfaction can be achieved. With no reasons, I am happy to be me.

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  • Oct 13 Sat 2007 10:15
  • wisdom

This morning, one student came to me to challenge the way I graded her quiz. The way her being mad and aggressive made me feel awful for the whole morning. Locking myself in the bathroom, I felt I was the worst person in the world. Suddenly, all the bad thoughts went accross my mind. I felt that I had been failing people's expectations over and over again. I knew some thoughts were just irrational, but I just couldn't find a better way to look at them. I talked to myself, and hoped the words of wisdom would somehow come to my mind. At that moment, I really missed David and my high school friends. I knew they would have answers for me. Not saying that they would know what I should do, but their responses would help me to examine my problems from a wiser and a more rational way.

The words of wisdom didn't happen. Luckily I didn't have much time to feel bad cause I had to teach another class. But I know that was not the end. I am still waiting for the answers to myself.

For my whole life, I have always relied on others' wisdom. Every time I tell myself that I should become the one that gives words of wisdom, not always the one that takes. But over and over again, I find myself cling on others' support and guidance. I wonder when I will become truely independent and wise.

Today, I miss my mentors in life. To me, their wisdom is the best gift one can have in life.

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My boss is almost like a saint in public. Sometimes I feel that if we grad students write an article called "100 silly sides of xxx ", we may be able to get it published on Science or Nature...or at least attract lots of attention from curious people in academia.

This morning, I was doing some data analysis in the quiet lab all alone. Usually people in my lab don't come until noon, including my boss. But for some reason, I've decided to live a "normal" life and have been trying to start work around 9-9:30.

Around eleven, suddenly I heard my boss talking behind me. I was very shocked because he never showed up so early, and I still had all my messengers on! Worst of all, he was in a "wanting to know what I had been doing" mood, and started to ask about some very detailed parts of my experiments. He is never good at keeping track of the details of what every one is doing or planning to do. But in this specific morning, when I still had all my messengers on secretly, and when no body was around to rescue me, he somehow wanted to talk about all my experiments and even recalled I planned to play with some spare rats.

It took me quite a while to explain what I planned to do. My boss listend very carefully...but but but..suddenly, he started combing his hair WITH A BLACK COMB.... @@ It happened so fast that I did not even see where he got the comb. He was still paying attention and talking back, but for some reason, he wanted to combed his hair so badly that he could not even wait until the end of the conversation. @@ I almost wanted to laugh. "Hey, boss, this is not the first time we meet, right?" I almost wanted to ask. The second thought that came accross my mind was that "is my hair so messy that it reminded my boss to comb his hair?" @@ The thought kinda scared me. I felt I should reach my bag to find my comb and combed my hair also. @@ To be honest, who doesn't comb his/her hair? But watching your boss combing his hair subconsciously while having a conversation with you is a totally different thing. @@

After the conversation, the first thing I did was running to the bathroom to check my hair. I even forgot to turn off my MSN first. For the first time in my life, I spent so much time in front of the mirror checking my hair."Hm...should I make this part straighter? or should I make the line more lateral? How come it looks like I am getting bold?" I never really care about my hair as long as it doesn't get in my way when I work. But this morning, for the first time, I had a hair issue, and seriously considered spending more time drying my hair before hitting the bed..@@

Why did my boss comb his hair when talking to me ?! @@ According to people in my lab, you'll alway be surprised at what the boss would do...hm...@@ guess I have to agree...

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come and go
things come and go
something I really dislike

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I started reading this book only because I had to return books checked out from the school library, and
I had no other books to read. Actually I have read it a long long time ago. But out of surprise,
I still learned new things from the book.

1. conversation, interaction, and affection...these are the most important things to me.
2. Teacher of life... always important to me. Hard to find. Cherish every single teacher
of life I meet. They teach me the meaning of life.

While reading, I thought about people who'd been Morrie in my life
with smiles and tears

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leaves turning yellow and falling
people talking about winter and snowing
All I thought about was the gray long coldness
Oh, but how could I forget there would be mid-autumn festival
mooncake, BBQ, and family
leaves turning yellow and falling
people talking about winter and snowing
me, daughter of Formosa, looking up at the moon and smiling

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