Jao312

"Just do it" is a nicer way to express what I think. "Fuck it" is the real term I use when talking to myself. Originally I liked the way David said it, so proudly careless about the results, as if nothing could hurt him even if it was the end of the world. Now this has become some sort of invisible power to me when I have to make a decision.

"Fuck it. I will just do it." I tell myself.

I am never a perfectionist. I almost always take whatever the results are, and happily live in an imperfect world. In fact, my life is full of mistakes and accidents. Being messy and imperfect is more like the norm to me.

However, I am an "over-analyzer", if such word ever exists. I tend to understand things by subconsciously, or even consciously, analyzing every associated components. Almost like doing experiments, things only make sense to me if every component can be logically explained and understood. For example, there must be "something" that makes one person more popular than the other. And there must be "some reasons" for two people to get along or to hate each other. Almost like having obsessive compulsive disorder, I am curious to know/have to know that "something" and "some reasons"to make a decision or to draw a conclusion. Is this bad? Not always. But when it's time to make quick decisions, over-analyzing stops me from moving forward. And time waits for no tides. Often times, if the moment passes, it's gone for good.

"Fuck it. I'll just do it." I tell myself. I should allow my higher-leveled cortical areas to take a break sometimes, and embrace the superficial meaninglessness of trivial insignificance.

So, I had a cup of coffee with some middle-aged guy I met when buying apples. The pleasure of having a conversation should be simple. Fxxk his intention. To me, being curious about others' stories is good enough a motivation. And all I have to do is to sit down and chat. So I did.

So I went to a lab mate's birthday celebration in a bar after being hesitated for 20 minutes. The joy of being surrounded by humans (finally not rodents) should be easy. Who cares about what others may think about my lack of American sense of humor. What's so big deal if I am slow on responding to stupid small jokes? All I have to do is to walk in and be who I am. So I did.

Deadlines? As long as I get them done, they should be kicked out of my priority list temporarily. Enough analyzing. Enough scheduling. Enough structures. Sometimes I just want to be a human being. Believe it or not, it can be difficult. It requires the "fxxk it" courage to melt down rules, concerns, and ambitious plans. Not until then can my life and me be forgiven and given the chance not to dance on notes.

Although we all are carrying more and more responsibilities, we should never be overwhelmed by the growing heaviness of life. To me, "fxxk it" is the strength that pulls me away from routines and constraints, so I can remember how simple satisfaction can be achieved. With no reasons, I am happy to be me.