Jao312

是關於快樂. 前陣子有科學研究, 說人的快樂只和兩個因素相關, 一個是年齡, 一個是基因, 其他像是
錢財 婚姻 事業 之類總總都不會影響一個人的快樂程度. "人類對於環境有很強的適應力"是他們的結論
之一, 所以一個人快樂與否, 取決於他怎麼看到身處的環境, 而這似乎就和基因有很強的關連. 昨天我和妹
妹講起這件事情, 覺得我們身上一定帶有快樂基因, 很多一般人難以接受的事情, 我們似乎都很能逆來順
受, 所以很少抱怨或是生氣, 而且在在面對生活大小事時, 也很能從中找到快樂的部份來自得其樂, 所以
不開心通常都很快就會被逆轉.

我能想到發生在我身上的例子, 就是幫老闆看狗的某天晚上, 氣溫驟降, 我擔心老闆的狗在戶外會凍
死, 就急急忙忙跳上公車要去老闆家放狗進屋子, 可是好死不死天很暗 路又不熟 就錯過該下車的站了,
然後好死不死, 開車的司機又很兇, 叫我在車上呆著等車子繞一圈就會回到原地, 我多問兩個問題 他就
大吼 " what do you want? where do you want to go?" 當時真是滿腹委屈, 我知道自己要去哪就不
用問了阿, 我只是幫人看狗, 擔心狗會凍死阿, 然後同時心中也很x, 覺得不知道自己要被載到哪去就夠
慘了, 還被人大吼, 覺得真是倒楣到極點. 可是大約過了十秒, 我就開始想, 阿 狗是獵犬 實驗室的xxx說
牠會活得好好的啦, 多半個小時一個小時牠不會怎樣地, 況且現在我也不能怎麼樣, 就當成city tour好
了, 讓我來好好觀察一下這些奇怪的 我從來沒去過的社區. 然後一分鐘後我就從很沮喪的看狗人變成
好奇的觀光客了.

結束和妹妹對話後, 我其實在想, 這或許是nurture而不是nature也不一定(就是後天環境的結果),
因為我印象很深, 小時候其實是個悲觀的小孩, 性向測驗出來還讓老師吃驚的評論 "沒想到你是這麼悲
觀的". 可是我爸媽, 尤其是我媽媽, 雖然平常很愛碎碎念, 可是當真的發生嚴重的災難或挫折時, 他們
總能從中找到光明面 快樂面, 所以很多原本在我心中會導致天崩地裂的悲慘事件, 被他們一討論起來,
忽然就變成也不是那麼糟的小意外了. 然後他們又是很會在平凡生活中創造新鮮 尋找快樂的人, 很多
人大概都聽過我爸會在茶壺旁牆上貼山水畫製造"雲霧繚繞美景" 會在某個晚上忽然把全家燈關掉點
起奇形怪狀香味蠟燭 會訓練我家狗做奇奇怪怪把戲 對狗做很多實驗的人, 我媽是會每天聽空英(然後睡
著還不准我們關掉) 參加肚皮舞表演 會自己跑去看展覽看電影的人. 對他們來說, 沒有一天是平凡的,
而生活的價值, 就來自於探索 學習 自我付出 和不斷進步. 我一直覺得, 這種積極 正面 樂觀 的人生態
度, 是我無形中獲得的無價之寶.

"做什麼事情, 都要有熱情, 感到快樂呀." 我說. "世界上真的有這種事情嗎" 朋友問. "當然有, 我
感受過, 而且我知道熱情還在, 只要找到令我感到快樂的事情來讓我付出熱情" 我回答. 對我來說,
對我們家的人來說, 快樂而熱情的生活是如此重要而天經地義的原則.

是關於"慈愛", 通常我們用來形容媽媽 或長輩, 最近覺得, 這是一個好貼切的詞. 愛有很多種, 但是
"慈愛"中的"慈", 似乎就要是有小孩的人才會表現的特質, 那是一種近乎忍讓的包容 一肩扛起外界險
惡的寬大 和細心呵護脆弱物體時的柔韌. 很多人都有很偉大 很善良 很美麗的愛, 可是中文說的"慈愛",
似乎就真的要經過拉拔一個小孩長大成人這樣的艱辛, 才能從人性中焠鍊昇華. 慈愛, 慈愛, 是一個好
貼切的字眼, 在平凡中令人感到個格外柔軟.

以前總覺得英國人一定是民族性太過悶騷, 才會沒事喜歡討論天氣. 但自從來到安娜堡後,
對於這樣的現象卻有了不同的看法. 通常人們會討論天氣, 某方面來說, 就是因為天氣不佳及
詭異到很值得讓人借題發揮.

今天的安娜堡就是最好的例子, 理應是春神來到的三月底, 卻莫名其妙地下起了大雪, 天空
更是一整個陰霾, 幾乎每個進實驗室的人, 都免不了碎碎念個兩三句. 我為了分析影像, 其實是
緊閉了電腦四周的百葉窗地, 只有用想像力來參與大家的碎碎念. 不佳的天氣似乎也影響了大
家的工作情緒, 向來夜行性的實驗室, 才下午六點多, 整個實驗室就只剩我了. 老鼠的影像在瞬間
寧靜凍結的時間和空間中顯得十分飄渺, 我精神渙散地拿起老闆愛犬的小皮球亂丟, 一邊想像樓下
的人正在同步咒罵到到底是樓上管制區的哪個智障在製造噪音, 一邊聽著皮球反彈時製造出的
空洞. 忽然間, 我覺得有必要確定我所認知的世界依舊存在, 就奮力地跳上了實驗桌, 打開緊閉了
一整天的百葉窗. 天哪, 雪是超大片狀又緊密結實地下著, 天空能見度很低, 高點的樓上半部就
都看不見了. 我在窗口發呆著, 感覺我所存在的時空非但沒有變得具體, 反倒像某種實驗意外下
的產物, 導致了我在北國漂流這樣的奇怪結果.

我的困惑很快就被老闆的出現打斷了, 顯然老闆也響應不佳天候要早早收工.

老闆走後, 我忽然也沒了工作情緒, 泡了杯熱茶, 抓了把巧克力, 回到窗口悠閒地看起窗外的雪
和遠方樓層飄散出了白煙. 那是一種很幸福和滿足的踏實, 我常想, 以前在台灣, 說到要去賞楓
賞雪 漫步在森林草原, 那可是要精心計畫有錢有閒才能達到的享受, 可現在我幾乎只要張開眼睛,
就能置身在這樣的美景中, 當初申請學校, 可從沒想過還有這樣的"附送住在度假村"行程, 這可
是何等難得幸運. 也不只一次想著, 我終就會離開安娜堡, 到那時, 我又會多麼想念這些被白雪覆
蓋像童話故事中才會出現的尖頂小木屋.

雜感一結束. 總結來說, 這是一篇看雪景開低走高的雜感.

One of the main focuses of our lab is the circuits of "liking".
One measurements for "liking" (positive affective responses)is tongue protrusion.
For example, if you give rats, monkey, human babies and other animals sucrose solution,
they would start doing tongue protrusion as if saying "yummy, i like it!"
Usually the more animals like a certain solution, the more tongue protrusion they would do.
So, tongue protrusion is like an index of the level of "liking".

As a grad student in a liking/wanting lab,
I have spent at least half of my data analysis time watching rats' tongues.
"Is he doing tongue protrusion?" I would stare at my rats' mouths and ask myself.
You know, rat tongues aren't all that big..and sometimes it's hard to tell.

Today, I was reading news about election in Taiwan on CNN webpage.
When I clicked on this picture, my first thought was, "is he doing tongue protrusion?"
I saved the image and named it "tongue protrusion of victory!"

I think I am the first person in the world that discovered
tongue protrusion can happen when winning an election.
I guess that means Ma not only wanted to win but also "liked it"!

I don't trust "gut feelings".
Probably because I have too many, I just learned to ignore them.
I need evidence, proof, and rationality to decide how I feel or what I want.

I have been feeling "not as good as normal".
People in my lab asked me if I had a cold or something cause I had been coughing non-stop.
"You sounded like a dying old man in bed." one girl commented.
(I had been wearing a mask so people don't get scared or infected.)
I said, "I don't know. I don't feel sick. It's just my throat that's itchy."
"You don't know if you are sick?"
"You must have got some fashionable disease
that wouldn't make people "feel sick".
People laughed and started to talk about potential disease I got.


After having this kind of conversation multiple times,
I started to think what does "sick" feel like?
I mean I coughed, couldn't smell or think,
but I could still have conversations, handle routine work, and even dress up my advisor's dog and blog.
How sick should one be to claim he/she is sick?
We all have good days and bad days. What is a "sick day" after all?
Hm..I guess I am too suspicious about my gut feelings to say I feel sick?
I probably need some medical document to tell people,"yes, I am feeling sick."

ps. by the way, i just thought about what happened when I was a kid.
I would ask my dad, "am I hungry now?" "does it feel like stomachache, sore, or stomach moving?"
ha, I don't know if my dad remembers this. Hm... maybe I was a three year old that was
too suspicious to feel hungry?

Red dog is a cheap beer brand.
Last Friday, out of curiosity, I had one red dog beer at a friend's apartment.
The only thought i had was, "oh, i didn't know beer could taste so bland..."
Seriously, it tasted like water with ethanol.

The next day, I had Samuel Adams, which is just another beer brand with higher price.
For the first time, I appreciated the flavor and taste of beer.
I used to take it for granted.

Ever since then,
I've been wondering what Taiwanese beer tastes like.
I know it has won several awards, but I was never a beer person and don't remember the taste now :(

Next time I go to grocery store,
I want to get beer and wine.
And next time I go home,
I want to have Taiwanese beer.

Cheers to Red Dog beer,
it makes me appreciate the flavor of good beer.

We just had a one week spring break.
"It feels so much like spring break." I once made an announcement.
"You mean it feels like spring?" I forgot who replied, probably someone in lab.
"No way. The point is BREAK, not SPRING."
In fact, we had more snow than ever for the past few days.
"You are not alone..." my lab mate replied,
especially given the fact that our adviser was out of town.

Today I was in a post-holiday low mood.
Although I didn't get much done and could hardly concentrate,
I felt so tired, like I had finished 100 hours' work.
I couldn't stop missing my life in the past week:
wake up whenever i want -> coffee and breakfast -> newspapers and background TV
-> lab, in the most unproductive way -> dinner -> walked my adviser's dog mostly,
occasionally hung out with lab people -> shower -> non-science books, more newspapers, music,
-> sleep whenever I want

After a good walk followed by a shower, and with a good book in hand, I felt like being in paradise.
" Why can't I live a life like that?
I'm easily content. All I need is some exercise, newspapers, and good books." I thought.
So I decided to do a little calculation to see how much money I will need
to retire and live a life like that.
Let's say, I spend $400 usd per month, and I live to average age of women,
I will need $400 x 12 (months)x 50 (years) = 240000 usd= 7560000 NT.

After seeing the number, I realized I wouldn't be able to retire any time soon,
not with my grad. student stipend.
How disappointing !!! :(

How can this be so difficult....
I just want good music, books, and exercise...
and I will need 240000 usd to retire ?!!!! :(

My new office is on the hallway where all faculty's offices are and right next to the mail room.
The location is bad in the way that people walk by all the time.
But on the other hand, the location is good that
a lot of strange and unusual chats happened during my very little time there.

Today, I finally pulled myself out of my garage-like shoe box apartment and went to school around 2pm.
While I was still busy taking off all my coat, hat, and gloves, the German professor walked by.
Without giving too much thought, I said, "Good morning!" to him, in a probably just-wake-up tone.
Right after saying so, I was suddenly all awake, almost wanted to kill myself.
"What the hell did you just do...
laziness is a sin to the German,
and you said good morning to him at 2 p.m.???" I mumbled to myself.
"Haha, isn't it too late to say good morning now?" the German prof. stuck his head into my office.
"Oh, yeah, I meant to say good afternoon...but it feels like morning."
Right after replying, I wanted to kill myself even more..
"Gosh, the answer obviously revealed I had been doing nothing but sleeping."
i thought to myself.
I could almost see myself being failed by the German professor,
if I end up having him on my thesis committee.
"Haha, you missed all the excitement yesterday !!" the German professor
decided to walk into my office to chat about the exciting robbery
that happened on the hallway before I got in yesterday.
Thank to the strange location of my pffice.
I ended up having another strange chat.

English is too difficult :(
I can not have full control over it with the precision I like.
Usually my brain doesn't function fast enough and I end up giving
stupid but honest answers...like "oh, it feels like morning" at 2 pm.

My sister was telling me why she didn't want to do group project with some classmates.
I realized one important thing I learned here was how not to bring stress to others.

To be more specific,
we want to work hard, to give good advice, to show we are knowledgeable (or at least not dump),
but we don't want what we do to make others feel stressed.
I think the key is to stay calm, patient, and slow-paced.
We want to work hard, but not to be too stingy about time we can spend on conversations.
We want to give good advice, but not to forget to listen patiently.
We want to be knowledgeable, but not to overload others with information.

Or to be more general,
we want others to feel comfortable talking to us, asking us questions, or simply sitting and
standing around us.
I think the key is the way we hold ourself.
We want to ask ourselves whether we are comfortable "being with ourselves".
To put it in another way,
we want to examine the way we act from a third person point of view,
to see if that's what you would want to experience.
For example,
Do you want to stand next to someone who's anxious?
Do you want to work with someone who's always in a rush and wants to "get things done"?

I'm learning...and hoping I will become someone thats patient, soothed, and fun to be with.

Most of my friends know my dad.
This is probably nothing special, since we all have dads.
What's special is that most of my friends think I have a super smart and nice dad.
Obviously I can not take credits on such fact, although I have been proud of it.
All i can do is to say "Happy Birthday, my dear dad" today.

Happy birthday, dad. :)

One girl came to me to talk about her term paper after class.
She had some difficulties and was going to discuss them with my adviser, who's teaching the course.
But before that, she wanted to know my opinions.

The girl told me she wanted to write about "the existence of difference races is to support the survival of a specific race (white people)".
The girl didn't talk about it in an aggressive or challenging way.
But when I first heard about it, I thought to myself, " What what what? What did you just say?
Are you sure you want to discuss this with me, who's obviously a non-white?"
So, we had a conversation about what she should do, in a very professional way.
I actually found the whole thing funny rather than offensive
cause I had to talk about it like a third person,
as if I were colorless, not black, white, or yellow.

My adviser came into lab in the afternoon (as usual).
He mentioned to me about his meeting with the student.
Being a walking library, my adviser actually knew people doing research on this.
I was very curious to know what others had said about this topic.
But I was reluctant to ask more.
I did not want to go too deep into the conversation, a bit worried that
people might overreact to my opinions or questions,
given the fact that I'm the only non-white in lab.

Teaching is tiring, but it can also be unforgettable, like the experience I had today.

I was surprised to hear how people made up data and got kicked out.
It happened not only in my current lab but also in other labs.
Why would people ever want to do so in the first place?
I think to PIs, false data is way way way worse than negative data.
It can lead to great damages to their reputation and career.
So, although my data looks ugly, at least it's showing my honesty!

I really appreciated my advisor's always being positive and encouraging.
I actually wasn't too upset.
I just wish I had done the right things.
Cheers, boss, to my ugly yet honest data!


p.s. still in the hell of data analysis...so, meow.

I must be a cat...the one that got killed.

After crazy rat testing, now it's crazy data anlysis.
To be honest, my gut feeling tells me the results aren't good.
But I still want to know the results...

I want to know the results because I'm curious.
But i don't want to know the results because I know they are disappointing.
So....

meow.

For both Chinese new year's eve and Chinese new year's day,
I was on crazy rat running schedule.
Although I did not celebrate, not even make it to Tomato's hot pot party,
I still feel I had a pretty good new year.
(if the time our stupid racist lab tech. was around didn't count)

The first thing that touched me was the help from my two undergrads, Ben and Chris.
Here in the UMich, they can take lab course which requires them to work in lab 10 hours per week.
Because of the super tight schedule, I was more harsh than normal.
Although I tried to be more patient, I wouldn't deny if you called me a irrational jerk today.
Ben, who is planning to come 13 hours this week already, offered another
2.5 hours of help today. He said, " I can come after my exam. I plan to skip the class. It is
not all that important. There is a lot to do (for the experiment). And you probably need
help." Although I insisted him going to the class, I was all touched, especially after
screaming and correcting him all the time for the whole morning. Chris helped
me to run experiments till evening. When the experiment was done, I told him it was probably
past the time he was supposed to be in already. He replied, "that's fine. I don't
care. I can help you finish this." Again, I was about to melt, especially given the fact
that it was 7:30 pm already. After starting the day with holiday blue,
the two kids really made my day.

I also wanted to thank my lab mates. I can't think of anything specific to thank.
It was probably the short conversation we had about the Chinese new year next to our
candy basket, or the way they were friendly to me when I was rushing in and out
hoping to have 8 arms, or the way they checked on me to make sure I got the help I
needed. Their being nice and friendly, just simply that, made my Chinese new year's
day delighted.

My boss offered some sweet elements to my Chinese New Year's day as well.
In the evening, he came in to have a short conversation with me about the Chinese
new year. He told me he used to go to China town on Chinese new year's day
when he was an undergrad in UC Davis. "Really?" I was very surprised. " Oh
yes, every year, to see parades and then to have dinner in Chinese restaurants."
My boss is the type of person that wears European style clothes, loves cheese and
wine, speaks softly, and is always very thoughtful, just like an European gentlman.
The image of him being a silly undergrad standing in the crowd watching
dancing lions and dragons amused me. To be honest, I'd always assumed that my
boss ( or most Americans) were ignorant about Asia. Knowing that he used
to "celebrate Chinese new year (these are exactly the words he used)" somehow
made me feel warm hearted, especially after dealing with the racist lab tech.

I had a long lab day. Nothing Chinese. Nothing new year.
I admit the day started with holiday blue, but now looking back,
I feel I had a happy chinese new year's day.
Oh, I did wear red on purpose today, just to create a little bit
"Chinese new year" atmosphere for myself.
What's it gonna be like when I think about all these Chinese New years in
Ann Arbor in the future? White, snowy, and quiet.
Happy new year, Ann Arbor. Happy new year, Taipei.
Happy new year, alone but peaceful, to myself.

I was really tired today, well, maybe also a bit bored.
Those rats must have known today was Chinese new year's eve.
They didn't not want to cooperate with me at all.
At one point, I really wanted to grab a red pen,
painted them all red,
and yelled, " Happy new year, my buddy.
Let's throw data way.
It's time for party!"

I am tired.
Not physically tired.
But tired of being stupid and ignorant of the field.
I want to read, to think, and to become knowledgeable.

I am tired.
Not from running big badges of rats.
But from not using my heart and brain.
I miss good chats,
chats about science,
chats about life,
chats that make my thoughts and feelings flow.

I'm tired.
not because of coming to lab every day.
but because of not being intellectual, understanding, or thoughtful.

If i could paint all rats red, I would not have so much complaint.
Happy Chinese new year, all.
for whom I miss dearly.
Tomorrow will be better.
So will next year be!

Tonight on MSN, Tomato messaged me, " Oh, my beef soup, so tasty, why do I need a PhD?" I replied,"
Yeah, why do I need a PhD, I can do dishes in your restaurant!"

So, why do I want to get a PhD? " It is a dream of life." Mom answered my question on MSN ( yes,
I have a modern mom that uses MSN) . Well, to be honest, getting a PhD is never my dream for life.
Even if I eventually get a PhD, the feeling of accomplishment is probably the most I will get. But
the feeling of accomplishment can be gained from many different things, for example, cooking a good
pot of beef soup, running marathon, etc. So, why do I want to get a PhD at all?

At first, when I applied for a PhD program, I would tell you, " I want to get a PhD abroad because
I want to see a bigger world and make contribution to the world." Yes, I was a young kid with lots
of love for the world. I wanted to extend our knowledge about humans, and hoped that would further
improve human lives. However, it was definitely not "love for science" per se that led me to this
road. I liked neuroscience. I enjoyed teasing apart thoughts and feelings. I had a vague idea that
behavioral neuroscience can be interesting to study. But as a biology major who had never seen
a lab animal doing more than walking around, eating, and sleeping, I really wasn't sure if my love
for behavioral neuroscience (e.g. learning) was just an illusion. " Well, since I want to do something
to help improve human lives, and since I am curious about behavior and the brain, let's try to
get into a PhD program about behavioral neuroscience first." That was the beginning of the story.

Because of the thought about "helping humans", at one point I was disappointed about science.
Even if humans can eventually cure all diseases, lots of people still die every day because of
wars. Even if they don't die, they can still live a long but unhappy life. So, why do we need
science? It seems more important to teach people to love each other and to be happy, rather than
studying science. " If what I am doing can not benefit the world, why should I do it?" I asked
myself.

So, if studying science is doing no good for huamans, what do humans need? "They need to know
how to be happy and satisfied." " But what is permanent happiness and how to achieve satisfaction?"
The question is probably too big and too philosophical. But to me, the answer so far, before I
change my mind, which can happen any time, is that to enjoy what one does and to cherish what
one has.

How does this relate to my choice of trying to get a PhD? To put it in another way, I find that
I don't want to study science, or to get a PhD, to help humans any more. It is not because I have
become cold-hearted after 2.5 years in this icy snowy town, but because I have gradually realized
the true meaning of the old saying, " it is the process that counts, not the end results." Back
to my conclusion from the previous paragraph, I just want to enjoy what I do, and to cherish
every day and every thing I have. If the results are good, the world may become better because of
my effort. But what if I don't find anything new to help the world? Is my life going to be miserable
or worthless? Maybe I won't even become a good scientist after all! But as long as I am having fun
from the process of studying science, and as long as I am learning to be happy and satisfied, I
will just try my best and accept whatever the end result is.

Although it sounds like I have found a good reason to be a PhD student, it does not mean I always
feel clear about my goals. Like I said, I want to "try my best" and accept what I get. But the question
becomes how I can try my best, or what way should be the best way. For example, I can not try my
best to sleep and claim " I am happy and satisfied. I will take whatever the result is." I have to
"do something" in order to convince myself that I have tried my best. But what is that "something"?
A smile from the boss? Running a thousand animals? Having read all papers in the field? The process
of figuring out what that "something" is can be tiring and lonely. After a long day with no reward,
it's just so easy to be overwhelmed by the countless uncertainty and physiological tiredness. "So,
what am I doing all this for? All right, I am trying to get a PhD. But what is this PhD for again?
Oh right, for happiness and satisfaction. But what if selling beef soup is actually what makes
me feel I am trying my best to reach permanent happiness? huh?"

Well, now you see what I mean. I don't really care so much about having a PhD or not. I just want
to "do something" that makes myself happy and satisfied. So, when things don't go right, I question
myself about whether I am doing the right thing. And "trying to get a PhD" happens to be that
"something" I am doing most of the time, it easily becomes my target of speculation.

So, after writing so much, the question actually becomes, " what is the right way of doing things"
rather than "what is PhD for"....now I have no doubt about trying to get a PhD..but constantly,
I am slightly anxious about not doing the right thing. I want it to be right, so I can say I have
tried my best, so I can accept any result I get...but what should I do?

At least I know what I should do now is to prepare teaching sociobiology for tomorrow's class...
something I am just learning from wikipedia myself :~~~~

I slept 14 hours and ate N meals today.
When I finally left my bed at 6 p.m.,
I felt like a new person, lively and cheerful.
The world was so shiny and pretty, and I could fight for anything.

But as soon as I stepped into the lab,
a dramatic feeling of loss stroke me.
Nothing was done but having more fat built on.
Within one minute, my mood went from super satisfied to super unsatisfied,
as if I had another personality that suddenly was turned on.

Goals for next week-
to live a more routine and organized life even if there is an endless to-do list
and to start exercise again.

Quote from my boss today-
Learning doesn't always work at the beginning
(he was talking about training rats).
We just have to stay optimistic and alert.

Quote from yesterday-
You don't have to feel bad asking the undergrad to fit your schedule.
You have the right to ask him (the undergrad) to do what you need him to do.
( This is why I wrote the blog about "to speak out what i want")


Do I really look like someone with a weak mind?
No matter what, I deeply appreciate my boss's effort of being
not only a teacher but also an encouraging mentor.

There are two kinds of "I don't care attitude".
One makes people sick. The other makes people feel cool.

As we grow older, it is actually important to have some "I don't care attitude".
We have to learn to build our own values that are not influenced by the society.
Those values make us who we are.

The "I don't care attitude" that makes people sick is built on personal desire without
considering others' feelings or thoughts. I would call that kind of "I don't care
attitude" "self-centered". When I hear this kind of people saying, "I don't care",
I actually want to show them my middle finger.

However, there is another kind of "i don't care attitude" which actually makes people
admire it. The attitude is built on "the fairness of events" and "the insistence of
becoming a better self with ideals". When I hear this kind of people saying, "I don't
care", I smile and want to give them a hug.

I had a chat with Sarah until 3 am on Saturday night and realized such difference.
When she said, " I don't care", I felt so touched and tender.
I know that was just the way she used to protect herself from being hurt or tortured
by cocky people. That was just the way she used to stay warm-heated and caring for this
unideal world.

We all have to build our own values that are not affected by the big society.
I want to build my values based on the fairness of things, not selfishness.
I want to build my values based on dreams, not benefits.
I want to build my values based on care, not ignorance.
That's my conclusion.

To speak out what I want has always been difficult for me.
I feel bad to ask others to do things for me or to affect how others think/feel.
However, not to speak out what I want bothers me as well.
If I do not phrase what I want clearly, people can never guess what to do to fit my need.
Speaking out what I want in a rational way within the reasonable range is what I have to learn.

I want to and have to learn to speak out what I want.