I hate decision making. This is a quote from David again. And this applies perfectly to me and my current situation.

I am in the middle of deciding if I should leave Ann Arbor on Dec.16 or Dec. 18 (return date is the same, Jan.2). For some reason, two weeks is like a threshhold to me. I feel that if I leave for two weeks, I am still a good graduate student. But if I leave for 16 days, I will feel like a slacker. You may want to say something like " oh, you can work harder when you are in Ann Arbor." , or "oh, you can work a bit when you are in Taipei." Based on my experience, it's very unlikely for any of the above to happen.

If I am so worried, why not just buy the ticket the leaves on the 18th? While worrying about being a slacker (which I already am anyway. And I go back twice a year!), I am also worried that things back home will be different the next time I go back. What if the next time I go back, I won't be able to talk to my grand parents any more? What if the next time I go back, my dog doesn't run any more? What if the next time I go back, my friends are assigned to different places and are unable to meet?

Every one wants to be remembered and cared for. But to me, an even bigger issue is to lose what I remember and care for. I accept the facts that my nephews and nieces will grow up not having much memory about this "auntie who studies in the US". And I do not mind being "one of the many friends" to my only best friends. I sometimes picture myself sitting on the couch when being very old, looking at all the pictures of things/people I love when being young. Yes, I will feel a bit sad and lonely that no body knows me or cares about me any more. But what's really going to upset me is the fact that things I remember no longer exist, and I no longer have any body/anything to care for.

Life is full of uncertainty. Things come and go. Yes, I accept both. But before that, I want to try my best to get the best out of it. And then I will have no regret.

So, where were we? What's all this about? WELL, being an over-analyzer, I can not stop analyzing why it is so difficult to decide which ticket to get. So, which ticket should I get after all ??!!


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