目前日期文章:200710 (7)

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Sometimes it is difficult to be human. To be more precise, I find it
harder and harder to "stay as human".

Of course people have different reasons to forget we are humans with
feelings and thoughts. Sometimes it is money, or sometimes it is power.
To me, it is my work. It is so interesting and rewarding that I can't
resist spending more and more time on it. I still go to parties. I still
go to the gym. And I still chat with people. But those are "passively"
given to me, just like tasks assigned to a robot. I no longer actively
think and feel the world. Well, maybe I still do, but not as much as I want.

Two things happened lately that made me think about "staying as human".

The first thing I am going to skip for now because if I do not do laundry
tonight (11 pm already), I pretty much will have to go to San Diego naked.
The second thing is my chat with a college friend. He showed me some stupid funny
pictures of my dear old friends. Under one picture, he wrote "一群人吃完東西在門
口亂聊天大學生活就是這樣青春的很放肆 (a group of people standing nowhere chatting about
nothing after a meal. College life is just so crazy and young.)" Suddenly I
miss my college friends so so so much. I feel that I am missing out a lot. I
can no longer join their meetings, play stupid card games with them (*), or
even have funny chats. I do not even know what they are up to. How long have
I not laughed until my stomach hurts? Not only that, how long have I not
felt emotions, the powerful energy and extravagant happiness.

Ok, I meant to say a lot about my thoughts about staying as a human....but
but but... i have to do laundry..and i hate doing laundry :(

*by the way, hey, folks,if you are reading this, I just want to say I played
the American version of "king-queen- secretary- servant..the ranking may be
wrong, but just that poker game we played last time. The American version is
different but similar. Ha, I just want to say that reminded me so much of
how hard Tuna tried to wake every one up just to play the game, and how much
dried Tofu we had, and how silly we tried to create a dark- night environment
the next day to play the game. I loved that! See you all soon?!

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I hate decision making. This is a quote from David again. And this applies perfectly to me and my current situation.

I am in the middle of deciding if I should leave Ann Arbor on Dec.16 or Dec. 18 (return date is the same, Jan.2). For some reason, two weeks is like a threshhold to me. I feel that if I leave for two weeks, I am still a good graduate student. But if I leave for 16 days, I will feel like a slacker. You may want to say something like " oh, you can work harder when you are in Ann Arbor." , or "oh, you can work a bit when you are in Taipei." Based on my experience, it's very unlikely for any of the above to happen.

If I am so worried, why not just buy the ticket the leaves on the 18th? While worrying about being a slacker (which I already am anyway. And I go back twice a year!), I am also worried that things back home will be different the next time I go back. What if the next time I go back, I won't be able to talk to my grand parents any more? What if the next time I go back, my dog doesn't run any more? What if the next time I go back, my friends are assigned to different places and are unable to meet?

Every one wants to be remembered and cared for. But to me, an even bigger issue is to lose what I remember and care for. I accept the facts that my nephews and nieces will grow up not having much memory about this "auntie who studies in the US". And I do not mind being "one of the many friends" to my only best friends. I sometimes picture myself sitting on the couch when being very old, looking at all the pictures of things/people I love when being young. Yes, I will feel a bit sad and lonely that no body knows me or cares about me any more. But what's really going to upset me is the fact that things I remember no longer exist, and I no longer have any body/anything to care for.

Life is full of uncertainty. Things come and go. Yes, I accept both. But before that, I want to try my best to get the best out of it. And then I will have no regret.

So, where were we? What's all this about? WELL, being an over-analyzer, I can not stop analyzing why it is so difficult to decide which ticket to get. So, which ticket should I get after all ??!!

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"Just do it" is a nicer way to express what I think. "Fuck it" is the real term I use when talking to myself. Originally I liked the way David said it, so proudly careless about the results, as if nothing could hurt him even if it was the end of the world. Now this has become some sort of invisible power to me when I have to make a decision.

"Fuck it. I will just do it." I tell myself.

I am never a perfectionist. I almost always take whatever the results are, and happily live in an imperfect world. In fact, my life is full of mistakes and accidents. Being messy and imperfect is more like the norm to me.

However, I am an "over-analyzer", if such word ever exists. I tend to understand things by subconsciously, or even consciously, analyzing every associated components. Almost like doing experiments, things only make sense to me if every component can be logically explained and understood. For example, there must be "something" that makes one person more popular than the other. And there must be "some reasons" for two people to get along or to hate each other. Almost like having obsessive compulsive disorder, I am curious to know/have to know that "something" and "some reasons"to make a decision or to draw a conclusion. Is this bad? Not always. But when it's time to make quick decisions, over-analyzing stops me from moving forward. And time waits for no tides. Often times, if the moment passes, it's gone for good.

"Fuck it. I'll just do it." I tell myself. I should allow my higher-leveled cortical areas to take a break sometimes, and embrace the superficial meaninglessness of trivial insignificance.

So, I had a cup of coffee with some middle-aged guy I met when buying apples. The pleasure of having a conversation should be simple. Fxxk his intention. To me, being curious about others' stories is good enough a motivation. And all I have to do is to sit down and chat. So I did.

So I went to a lab mate's birthday celebration in a bar after being hesitated for 20 minutes. The joy of being surrounded by humans (finally not rodents) should be easy. Who cares about what others may think about my lack of American sense of humor. What's so big deal if I am slow on responding to stupid small jokes? All I have to do is to walk in and be who I am. So I did.

Deadlines? As long as I get them done, they should be kicked out of my priority list temporarily. Enough analyzing. Enough scheduling. Enough structures. Sometimes I just want to be a human being. Believe it or not, it can be difficult. It requires the "fxxk it" courage to melt down rules, concerns, and ambitious plans. Not until then can my life and me be forgiven and given the chance not to dance on notes.

Although we all are carrying more and more responsibilities, we should never be overwhelmed by the growing heaviness of life. To me, "fxxk it" is the strength that pulls me away from routines and constraints, so I can remember how simple satisfaction can be achieved. With no reasons, I am happy to be me.

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  • Oct 13 Sat 2007 10:15
  • wisdom

This morning, one student came to me to challenge the way I graded her quiz. The way her being mad and aggressive made me feel awful for the whole morning. Locking myself in the bathroom, I felt I was the worst person in the world. Suddenly, all the bad thoughts went accross my mind. I felt that I had been failing people's expectations over and over again. I knew some thoughts were just irrational, but I just couldn't find a better way to look at them. I talked to myself, and hoped the words of wisdom would somehow come to my mind. At that moment, I really missed David and my high school friends. I knew they would have answers for me. Not saying that they would know what I should do, but their responses would help me to examine my problems from a wiser and a more rational way.

The words of wisdom didn't happen. Luckily I didn't have much time to feel bad cause I had to teach another class. But I know that was not the end. I am still waiting for the answers to myself.

For my whole life, I have always relied on others' wisdom. Every time I tell myself that I should become the one that gives words of wisdom, not always the one that takes. But over and over again, I find myself cling on others' support and guidance. I wonder when I will become truely independent and wise.

Today, I miss my mentors in life. To me, their wisdom is the best gift one can have in life.

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My boss is almost like a saint in public. Sometimes I feel that if we grad students write an article called "100 silly sides of xxx ", we may be able to get it published on Science or Nature...or at least attract lots of attention from curious people in academia.

This morning, I was doing some data analysis in the quiet lab all alone. Usually people in my lab don't come until noon, including my boss. But for some reason, I've decided to live a "normal" life and have been trying to start work around 9-9:30.

Around eleven, suddenly I heard my boss talking behind me. I was very shocked because he never showed up so early, and I still had all my messengers on! Worst of all, he was in a "wanting to know what I had been doing" mood, and started to ask about some very detailed parts of my experiments. He is never good at keeping track of the details of what every one is doing or planning to do. But in this specific morning, when I still had all my messengers on secretly, and when no body was around to rescue me, he somehow wanted to talk about all my experiments and even recalled I planned to play with some spare rats.

It took me quite a while to explain what I planned to do. My boss listend very carefully...but but but..suddenly, he started combing his hair WITH A BLACK COMB.... @@ It happened so fast that I did not even see where he got the comb. He was still paying attention and talking back, but for some reason, he wanted to combed his hair so badly that he could not even wait until the end of the conversation. @@ I almost wanted to laugh. "Hey, boss, this is not the first time we meet, right?" I almost wanted to ask. The second thought that came accross my mind was that "is my hair so messy that it reminded my boss to comb his hair?" @@ The thought kinda scared me. I felt I should reach my bag to find my comb and combed my hair also. @@ To be honest, who doesn't comb his/her hair? But watching your boss combing his hair subconsciously while having a conversation with you is a totally different thing. @@

After the conversation, the first thing I did was running to the bathroom to check my hair. I even forgot to turn off my MSN first. For the first time in my life, I spent so much time in front of the mirror checking my hair."Hm...should I make this part straighter? or should I make the line more lateral? How come it looks like I am getting bold?" I never really care about my hair as long as it doesn't get in my way when I work. But this morning, for the first time, I had a hair issue, and seriously considered spending more time drying my hair before hitting the bed..@@

Why did my boss comb his hair when talking to me ?! @@ According to people in my lab, you'll alway be surprised at what the boss would do...hm...@@ guess I have to agree...

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come and go
things come and go
something I really dislike

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I started reading this book only because I had to return books checked out from the school library, and
I had no other books to read. Actually I have read it a long long time ago. But out of surprise,
I still learned new things from the book.

1. conversation, interaction, and affection...these are the most important things to me.
2. Teacher of life... always important to me. Hard to find. Cherish every single teacher
of life I meet. They teach me the meaning of life.

While reading, I thought about people who'd been Morrie in my life
with smiles and tears

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