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  • Mar 28 Fri 2008 13:38
  • 以上

其實都是雜"感", 雜"想"..ㄟ...將來有機會再寫...
喔喔, 寫中文怎麼是這麼快樂而容易阿阿阿...

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哎哎, 明天九點就要教書了, 雜感五短一點.

只是要說, 從小時候的喜歡故事, 到最終用科學的方式研究人類思考, 其實是延續著同樣那份對人
類思考的好奇, 只是在距離上做了調整. 現在看著那些科學文章, 會感覺就像站在海洋世界巨大玻璃
窗前看著熱帶魚游泳, 一切都好真實神祕而美麗, 而同時我又是如此安全冷靜而保有自我理智. 光是
看著書上的彩色熱帶魚圖片 無法滿足我對和魚群"面對面互動"的渴望, 但是跳到海裡和魚兒一起游
泳 又太激烈 奮不顧身 而動蕩起伏, 所以最後我來到了海洋世界的巨大水族缸前, 面對著五彩絢麗的
波瀾和魚群, 一切都好豐沛 好優雅 好瞬息萬變, 可同時我所存在的世界, 卻又是如此祥和 寧靜 平穩.

我喜歡人, 我在找尋自己的方式和道路來付出我對人的關懷和熱情.

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前幾天和朋友提到, 我是個不相信直覺的人, 情感上的喜歡並不足以
堅定我對某個人或事情的信念, 通常要經過很多測試 思索 再確認, 我才
會願意肯定自己"不理智情感"下的抉擇.

今天我要講的雜感的是延續之前說的熱情而快樂的生活. 最近我陷入
知識飢渴期, 每天都想要看新文章, 感覺似乎解決了一部份疑惑, 可是又
多出更多疑惑, 所以又想看更多新文章, 那是一種很想走出迷霧森林, 可
是越走發現霧越濃, 於是"走下去"的本身就變成一種目的的過程, 而幸運
的是, 雖然走在霧中不太舒服, 可是走路的本身還挺令人愉悅.

某次國小同學會, 一個男生跟我說他記得小時候午餐時間我在看故事書,
他問我為甚麼要在吃飯時間看看故事書, 我跟他說,"因為精神也要食糧阿."
長大後聽了覺得蠻好笑的, 我只記得自己常一心想知道故事結果, 上課或是
午睡的時候在偷看故事書, 倒是不記得這場小對話.

我想閱讀文學對我來說一直是很快樂的一件事, 它滿足了我很多對於
世界 人類情感和思考分式的好奇, 只是同樣的快樂能轉嫁到閱讀科學的
層面上, 似忽是來新實驗室後 比較最近才發生的轉變, 雖然這一切有可能
只是累積太多data懶惰分析, 藉口"閱讀科學"來逃避枯燥資料處理所產生
的假象, 而我也不曉得這樣的熱誠還會持續多久. 但是至少現階段來說, 每
當我想起自己一年前說的, "當然有呀, 熱情還在, 只是要找到讓我快樂的
事情來付出熱情.", 或是17歲那年在給高中同學的紙條上寫著, "我覺得
不管從事甚麼工作, 最重要的就是真心喜歡那份工作. 想想看, 我們將花
上至少1/3以上的時間在工作, 如果不喜歡那份工作, 那是多麼令人沮喪
而悲傷的一件事阿." 就感到十分幸運與感激. 我不知到未來我會從事甚麼
工作, 但至少在這個階段, 我覺得自己終於可以將過去不知為何對neuroscience
產生的"不理智喜好", 轉變成能公諸於世的肯定答案, "是的, 我很喜歡
neuroscience, 也喜歡我的工作, 它讓我感到快樂而充滿熱情."

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是關於快樂. 前陣子有科學研究, 說人的快樂只和兩個因素相關, 一個是年齡, 一個是基因, 其他像是
錢財 婚姻 事業 之類總總都不會影響一個人的快樂程度. "人類對於環境有很強的適應力"是他們的結論
之一, 所以一個人快樂與否, 取決於他怎麼看到身處的環境, 而這似乎就和基因有很強的關連. 昨天我和妹
妹講起這件事情, 覺得我們身上一定帶有快樂基因, 很多一般人難以接受的事情, 我們似乎都很能逆來順
受, 所以很少抱怨或是生氣, 而且在在面對生活大小事時, 也很能從中找到快樂的部份來自得其樂, 所以
不開心通常都很快就會被逆轉.

我能想到發生在我身上的例子, 就是幫老闆看狗的某天晚上, 氣溫驟降, 我擔心老闆的狗在戶外會凍
死, 就急急忙忙跳上公車要去老闆家放狗進屋子, 可是好死不死天很暗 路又不熟 就錯過該下車的站了,
然後好死不死, 開車的司機又很兇, 叫我在車上呆著等車子繞一圈就會回到原地, 我多問兩個問題 他就
大吼 " what do you want? where do you want to go?" 當時真是滿腹委屈, 我知道自己要去哪就不
用問了阿, 我只是幫人看狗, 擔心狗會凍死阿, 然後同時心中也很x, 覺得不知道自己要被載到哪去就夠
慘了, 還被人大吼, 覺得真是倒楣到極點. 可是大約過了十秒, 我就開始想, 阿 狗是獵犬 實驗室的xxx說
牠會活得好好的啦, 多半個小時一個小時牠不會怎樣地, 況且現在我也不能怎麼樣, 就當成city tour好
了, 讓我來好好觀察一下這些奇怪的 我從來沒去過的社區. 然後一分鐘後我就從很沮喪的看狗人變成
好奇的觀光客了.

結束和妹妹對話後, 我其實在想, 這或許是nurture而不是nature也不一定(就是後天環境的結果),
因為我印象很深, 小時候其實是個悲觀的小孩, 性向測驗出來還讓老師吃驚的評論 "沒想到你是這麼悲
觀的". 可是我爸媽, 尤其是我媽媽, 雖然平常很愛碎碎念, 可是當真的發生嚴重的災難或挫折時, 他們
總能從中找到光明面 快樂面, 所以很多原本在我心中會導致天崩地裂的悲慘事件, 被他們一討論起來,
忽然就變成也不是那麼糟的小意外了. 然後他們又是很會在平凡生活中創造新鮮 尋找快樂的人, 很多
人大概都聽過我爸會在茶壺旁牆上貼山水畫製造"雲霧繚繞美景" 會在某個晚上忽然把全家燈關掉點
起奇形怪狀香味蠟燭 會訓練我家狗做奇奇怪怪把戲 對狗做很多實驗的人, 我媽是會每天聽空英(然後睡
著還不准我們關掉) 參加肚皮舞表演 會自己跑去看展覽看電影的人. 對他們來說, 沒有一天是平凡的,
而生活的價值, 就來自於探索 學習 自我付出 和不斷進步. 我一直覺得, 這種積極 正面 樂觀 的人生態
度, 是我無形中獲得的無價之寶.

"做什麼事情, 都要有熱情, 感到快樂呀." 我說. "世界上真的有這種事情嗎" 朋友問. "當然有, 我
感受過, 而且我知道熱情還在, 只要找到令我感到快樂的事情來讓我付出熱情" 我回答. 對我來說,
對我們家的人來說, 快樂而熱情的生活是如此重要而天經地義的原則.



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是關於"慈愛", 通常我們用來形容媽媽 或長輩, 最近覺得, 這是一個好貼切的詞. 愛有很多種, 但是
"慈愛"中的"慈", 似乎就要是有小孩的人才會表現的特質, 那是一種近乎忍讓的包容 一肩扛起外界險
惡的寬大 和細心呵護脆弱物體時的柔韌. 很多人都有很偉大 很善良 很美麗的愛, 可是中文說的"慈愛",
似乎就真的要經過拉拔一個小孩長大成人這樣的艱辛, 才能從人性中焠鍊昇華. 慈愛, 慈愛, 是一個好
貼切的字眼, 在平凡中令人感到個格外柔軟.

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  • Mar 28 Fri 2008 10:19
  • 雜感

以前總覺得英國人一定是民族性太過悶騷, 才會沒事喜歡討論天氣. 但自從來到安娜堡後,
對於這樣的現象卻有了不同的看法. 通常人們會討論天氣, 某方面來說, 就是因為天氣不佳及
詭異到很值得讓人借題發揮.

今天的安娜堡就是最好的例子, 理應是春神來到的三月底, 卻莫名其妙地下起了大雪, 天空
更是一整個陰霾, 幾乎每個進實驗室的人, 都免不了碎碎念個兩三句. 我為了分析影像, 其實是
緊閉了電腦四周的百葉窗地, 只有用想像力來參與大家的碎碎念. 不佳的天氣似乎也影響了大
家的工作情緒, 向來夜行性的實驗室, 才下午六點多, 整個實驗室就只剩我了. 老鼠的影像在瞬間
寧靜凍結的時間和空間中顯得十分飄渺, 我精神渙散地拿起老闆愛犬的小皮球亂丟, 一邊想像樓下
的人正在同步咒罵到到底是樓上管制區的哪個智障在製造噪音, 一邊聽著皮球反彈時製造出的
空洞. 忽然間, 我覺得有必要確定我所認知的世界依舊存在, 就奮力地跳上了實驗桌, 打開緊閉了
一整天的百葉窗. 天哪, 雪是超大片狀又緊密結實地下著, 天空能見度很低, 高點的樓上半部就
都看不見了. 我在窗口發呆著, 感覺我所存在的時空非但沒有變得具體, 反倒像某種實驗意外下
的產物, 導致了我在北國漂流這樣的奇怪結果.

我的困惑很快就被老闆的出現打斷了, 顯然老闆也響應不佳天候要早早收工.

老闆走後, 我忽然也沒了工作情緒, 泡了杯熱茶, 抓了把巧克力, 回到窗口悠閒地看起窗外的雪
和遠方樓層飄散出了白煙. 那是一種很幸福和滿足的踏實, 我常想, 以前在台灣, 說到要去賞楓
賞雪 漫步在森林草原, 那可是要精心計畫有錢有閒才能達到的享受, 可現在我幾乎只要張開眼睛,
就能置身在這樣的美景中, 當初申請學校, 可從沒想過還有這樣的"附送住在度假村"行程, 這可
是何等難得幸運. 也不只一次想著, 我終就會離開安娜堡, 到那時, 我又會多麼想念這些被白雪覆
蓋像童話故事中才會出現的尖頂小木屋.

雜感一結束. 總結來說, 這是一篇看雪景開低走高的雜感.

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One of the main focuses of our lab is the circuits of "liking".
One measurements for "liking" (positive affective responses)is tongue protrusion.
For example, if you give rats, monkey, human babies and other animals sucrose solution,
they would start doing tongue protrusion as if saying "yummy, i like it!"
Usually the more animals like a certain solution, the more tongue protrusion they would do.
So, tongue protrusion is like an index of the level of "liking".

As a grad student in a liking/wanting lab,
I have spent at least half of my data analysis time watching rats' tongues.
"Is he doing tongue protrusion?" I would stare at my rats' mouths and ask myself.
You know, rat tongues aren't all that big..and sometimes it's hard to tell.

Today, I was reading news about election in Taiwan on CNN webpage.
When I clicked on this picture, my first thought was, "is he doing tongue protrusion?"
I saved the image and named it "tongue protrusion of victory!"

I think I am the first person in the world that discovered
tongue protrusion can happen when winning an election.
I guess that means Ma not only wanted to win but also "liked it"!


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I don't trust "gut feelings".
Probably because I have too many, I just learned to ignore them.
I need evidence, proof, and rationality to decide how I feel or what I want.

I have been feeling "not as good as normal".
People in my lab asked me if I had a cold or something cause I had been coughing non-stop.
"You sounded like a dying old man in bed." one girl commented.
(I had been wearing a mask so people don't get scared or infected.)
I said, "I don't know. I don't feel sick. It's just my throat that's itchy."
"You don't know if you are sick?"
"You must have got some fashionable disease
that wouldn't make people "feel sick".
People laughed and started to talk about potential disease I got.


After having this kind of conversation multiple times,
I started to think what does "sick" feel like?
I mean I coughed, couldn't smell or think,
but I could still have conversations, handle routine work, and even dress up my advisor's dog and blog.
How sick should one be to claim he/she is sick?
We all have good days and bad days. What is a "sick day" after all?
Hm..I guess I am too suspicious about my gut feelings to say I feel sick?
I probably need some medical document to tell people,"yes, I am feeling sick."

ps. by the way, i just thought about what happened when I was a kid.
I would ask my dad, "am I hungry now?" "does it feel like stomachache, sore, or stomach moving?"
ha, I don't know if my dad remembers this. Hm... maybe I was a three year old that was
too suspicious to feel hungry?

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Red dog is a cheap beer brand.
Last Friday, out of curiosity, I had one red dog beer at a friend's apartment.
The only thought i had was, "oh, i didn't know beer could taste so bland..."
Seriously, it tasted like water with ethanol.

The next day, I had Samuel Adams, which is just another beer brand with higher price.
For the first time, I appreciated the flavor and taste of beer.
I used to take it for granted.

Ever since then,
I've been wondering what Taiwanese beer tastes like.
I know it has won several awards, but I was never a beer person and don't remember the taste now :(

Next time I go to grocery store,
I want to get beer and wine.
And next time I go home,
I want to have Taiwanese beer.

Cheers to Red Dog beer,
it makes me appreciate the flavor of good beer.


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We just had a one week spring break.
"It feels so much like spring break." I once made an announcement.
"You mean it feels like spring?" I forgot who replied, probably someone in lab.
"No way. The point is BREAK, not SPRING."
In fact, we had more snow than ever for the past few days.
"You are not alone..." my lab mate replied,
especially given the fact that our adviser was out of town.

Today I was in a post-holiday low mood.
Although I didn't get much done and could hardly concentrate,
I felt so tired, like I had finished 100 hours' work.
I couldn't stop missing my life in the past week:
wake up whenever i want -> coffee and breakfast -> newspapers and background TV
-> lab, in the most unproductive way -> dinner -> walked my adviser's dog mostly,
occasionally hung out with lab people -> shower -> non-science books, more newspapers, music,
-> sleep whenever I want

After a good walk followed by a shower, and with a good book in hand, I felt like being in paradise.
" Why can't I live a life like that?
I'm easily content. All I need is some exercise, newspapers, and good books." I thought.
So I decided to do a little calculation to see how much money I will need
to retire and live a life like that.
Let's say, I spend $400 usd per month, and I live to average age of women,
I will need $400 x 12 (months)x 50 (years) = 240000 usd= 7560000 NT.

After seeing the number, I realized I wouldn't be able to retire any time soon,
not with my grad. student stipend.
How disappointing !!! :(

How can this be so difficult....
I just want good music, books, and exercise...
and I will need 240000 usd to retire ?!!!! :(








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